It's strange for me to be so involved in the "real world." Even when I was little, I always invested myself in something less tangible, like the imaginary worlds of books or the internet that I let take over my life for the better part of 4 years...

But, I want a little bit of that virtual experience back in my life. So, I've started reading again and am trying to keep one eye peeking into the places I used to spend my time.

Ultimately, though, I don't have a lot of choice. I'm taking 18 credits, including 1 research credit, working at Tech Support, keeping engaged with UPhi, helping Nicole manage GSA so that it'll be easier for her to do it alone next semester, finding time to socialize like a normal college student and trying to balance the long-distance boyfriend through all of this. It's a busy time for me, but I love it. I like being totally immersed in the things around me.

So, for those who haven't been keeping up with me, this summer I moved out of my mom's house, had an incident with Border Patrol (ask me about it), was in two accidents, totaled my car once, worked at Papa John's, and negotiated my financial aid down to a point where I can pay the remaining balance after grants and aid to something my bank account can (barely) handle. There are other things too, like the "stripper delivery," and a certain addition to my increasing collection of body mods, but like the Border Patrol story, you'll have to ask.

All in all, everything is going great, although I am struggling to remember what I used to write here.

So, I'm in the red almost $2,800 thanks to car repairs and the hits just keep on coming!

Why do I feel like I'm running as fast as I can on a treadmill, but I'm still falling off?

That's really all there is to tell. I totaled my car. I fixed it. I've been in two accidents. One of them was my fault and the other one was this really funny fender bender.

I'm not really enjoying working at Papa John's. There are some cool guys who work there, but a lot of people are idiots or assholes.

Also, I have no internet really.

...That's all.

Basically, where we are in Delaware, we had to leave by 6:45 to get to graduation at 9:30. This is a hypothetical 30 minute buffer to only be used in the worst case scenarios- because let's face it ,you have to show up early. Moreover, my dad would be driving, not my grandmother, so we'd probably make it there considerably earlier than 9:30 if all goes well. So why am I sitting on the couch, all packed up, visibly impatient at 7:30 when we should have left 45 minutes before? I have no idea.

We finally leave a whole hour late. This sucks, but I figure we might make it, and just be a little late. No such luck, because we get into a fender bender on Route 24. No one was hurt, there is very little damage to our car (but a surprisingly large amount to the other lady's), but graduation plans pretty much ended there.

So, that's the not-so-grand reason I didn't make it to graduation. I'm sorry I missed it- I hope someone shouted "Legend!" when Chrissy walked across the stage.

You better all stay in touch- we'll miss you!

It's cold enough to snow outside right now. I can see my breath.


IT'S MAY! It's supposed to be practically summer by now!

I should have never taken OChem and Multivariable simultaneously. Why?

-Because my lab partners in both classes ALWAYS screw me on the same week.
-Because nobody in either class respects me enough to let me study for the other test.
-Because I'm failing both classes because the tests are ALWAYS RIGHT AFTER EACHOTHER, without fail. OChem Thursdays, Calculus Fridays.

I fucking hate lab partners. Seriously. I have yet to have one who is consistently competent enough that I don't have to do everything AND who doesn't screw me over at the last minute.

EDIT: One of my lab partners bailed me out. YAY Jen! I feel a lot better now. I can study for OChem in peace, woo hoo!

So, I am officially way, way in over my head. Well, I have been in over my head for a very long time, but I am only now recognizing it.

Damn it.

Sorry Narnia...it's going to be awhile yet. :/

...and then Wang happens.

Basically, my Spanish class was cancelled, so my midterm and paper aren't happening today.

Then Bio ended early.

And I managed to get about an hour of sleep before...

Wang wakes me up.

And tells me a half an hour before lab starts that he fucked up our results.

After he got them to me three days after our agreed deadline (Sunday), and never sent me any draft to look at except the first one from which to write a discussion.

So is he really surprised when I throw a stapler at him?

He shouldn't be.

I need a new lab partner. This is ridiculous.

It's not my fault he can't do his part of the assignment.

Today is Darwin day. Unfortunately, I'm not able to celebrate in the traditional ways: eating fish (goldfish, swedish fish, catfish...) and listening to lectures by people blindingly brilliant. Instead, I am a direct wittness to the mechanisms of evolution at work: that FSM-awful stomach virus that continues the plague this college.

It could be worse.

Happy Birthday, Darwin.

Quick, evolve!

I haven't been this upset in a long time. Maybe it has something to do with my perpetual general exhaustion, but this was just so chilling to me...I can't even put into words how watching these people made me feel.

Follow the Link

Basically, the story is this: Paula Zahn does a segment about how two atheists families have suffered discrimination for their beliefs. She then discusses the issues with a stacked panel: A female, Jewish conservative hatemonger, an intolerant, black Christian woman and a black, Christian male.

Why did I include these details? I see JEWISH, I see FEMALE and I see BLACK and I think: You have historically suffered under the anchor of oppression. You have histories that would put you in positions of sympathy when you have the privilege to alleviate discrimination against others.

No. That's not the case. All three growl and snarl at the notion that these families have endured any persecution whatsoever, and the woman bark excessively about how this is a Christian nation and atheists should just accept their legally inferior status because that's the way it should be. If they don't like it, they should change their "bad marketing" and get some Hallmark cards. Yea, Hallmark cards. And oddly enough, only the man has anything to say for an atheists rights- he has the position of the ACLU: everyone is entitled to the first amendment, regardless of how inflammatory their beliefs are.

Well you know what? This was a white nation. Should black people have just accepted their legally imposed inferiority? What about when men dominated the country? Should woman have accepted it? Should minorities and women continue to accept their inferiority as CEOs? Chiefs of medicine? Doctors? Engineers? Scientists? Presidential candidates?

Oh, my bad, sorry: You don't think that atheists believe in anything, and therefore, you're entitled to make us feel less than human.

I'm putting CNN with Fox News on my "Do not watch for any reason," list.

I'm tired, but happy. Last night, Brandon and Wang were very confused by my unusually perky demeanor and I enjoyed deflecting their attempts to summon what they defined as my only other emotion: stress-anger.

Pledging has been a little bit more demanding than I anticipated, but nothing like what I am seeing around me, but with one caveat: Nicole and I are competing for the happiest sorority: KDK or UPhi? So, clearly, KDK are happy too. As for everyone else...I'll just keep my comments to myself.

I know that my time is stretched thin and I am ridiculously crazy for considering joining a sorority when I am juggling twenty credits and tentatively entertaining this rugby idea, but that's all the more reason I need everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE when I am doing my work. I'm down to three hours a sleep a night, when I bother to sleep at all, and most of the insanity hasn't even started yet. I cannot entertain you and half a dozen other people pointlessly and get all of my work done. The time adds up really quickly, and calculus has suddenly gotten really hard. I'm having to review concepts and reteach myself things now rather than mindlessly visualize some geometry and do some basic arithmetic.

Please, please...meals (11-12 and 5-6EST), scheduled events, and phone calls between 1130-12EST only(that means you have to be understanding when you can't call me every night). This includes weekends, although I have a little more flexibility. For anyone who wants it,I'm happy to "share" my outlook calendar so that you can stalk me for every spare moment. I know I'm bad, especially about AIM, but I'm usually only on to discuss some homework assignment with a classmate and then I just don't get off for awhile. I need your help or I am going to drown.

I miss you guys, but I am busy and I have to work hard. I know some of you don't understand why I am pushing myself, but please remember I'm not floating on my parent's ticket and I have to make my time worthwhile because I never know if something is going to happen that will prevent me from coming back.

Consider this my last point of contact for many of you for weekend and leave me alone unless you're one of those people I eat with. I will come out for meals only. No phone calls either. Please. Call me on Monday.

Anyway: week. I think I'm going to like alll of my classes except for Spanish. That class drags on and on for me, and I feel like I'm there more as an obligation than any kind of desire. It's just a way for me to be better prepared for Mexico study abroad or that Spanish and Medicine class I'd like to take later.

Calculus is not as difficult as I anticipated and my professor has a personality, which I appreciate. He is a punctuality nazi, though, and I'm sure Tortorelli is going to have me habitually in trouble in that department because he tends to run over class at least 2-4 minutes, daily. As far as his class goes, though, OChem isn't difficult or taxing, thus far, either.

Cell Biology is boring. Can we please get to something interesting...soon?

My CIE professor isn't going to instigate conflict and that's disappointing. Also, there is a section on the "scientific debate of origins" in our assigned reading that makes me SO ANGRY. The section includes Darwin, Paley and this article on social darwinism. First of all, social darwinism makes Darwin roll in his grave. Second, Darwin's ideas are the foundation of evolution but are ultimately incomplete (this won't be mentioned). Third, Paley isn't a scientist, and invoking a theological argument is inappropriate in a scientific debate. Fifth, THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC DEBATE. Evolution fits the scientific definition of theory, and the only reason it isn't a law is because of all this political, social nonsense that results from people thinking they know more than they do about something they actually know nothing about. The only debates are intraevolutionary mechanisms. The validity of the theory itself is not in question by anyone in the biological fields except by creationist doctors who manage to ignore the importance of evolution in medicine! (Paging antibiotic resistance?)

Labs are fine. Bio lab will be boring. OChem will only be tolerable because of how funny Ruttledge is.

The end.

Aside from the usual crap, I have a feeling this semester is going to be better than last. The only thing I'm not exceptionally pleased about is having a substitute advisor considering how much I like the one I have, but I'm going to give the lady a chance. She seems nice enough from her e-mails.

I am ready to put winter break behind me, though. I've had enough of the crazy. I need to crack down! This is not to say I don't appreciate phone calls from certain persons (who need to stop pouting so that I can stop pouting!), but it's time to be serious. I will refrain from all drunken-Operation activities.

Maybe at the end of the week I'll post about my professors. I need the terror of this semester's work load to wear off a little before I can give them an accurate assessment.

Against all better judgement, I have decided to stay. There was something about watching Dawley maniacally move around the room, leaving bloody handprints on the chalkboard and imitating the Last of the Mohicans with a pig's heart that made me realize that I wouldn't have this experience anywhere else I had the option to go to. I'd be joining a cult (A&M), committing myself to a life of misery (UH) or working myself to the bone to do something I don't really like all that much (Rose).

This is going to suck, but I'm as ready as I was before to make some sacrifices. I'll just live in a shoebox for 10 years after I graduate from...whatever.

I had a meeting with the Dean this afternoon and didn't go well. I didn't really expect it to, especially considering how awful I felt hours before I even went. I opened my mouth and started crying and that's all there is to say about my contribution to the discussion, really. I wasn't articulate or persuasive, I was just upset that the last thing I allowed myself to believe in slipped out of my hands and shattered.

However, he is going to talk to Mr. Enrollment who waitlisted me. Fabulous. Maybe in combination with my mother's annoying interference, I might give enough money to stay. Make no mistake, I want desperately to be here. This is not the way I wanted things to turn out. I want to go to Mexico and Costa Rica, I want to work so hard that I finally manage my first A in Calculus (Multivariable at that) and I want to graduate from college with all the sincere effort, determination and persistence I should have given my work in high school. I don't want to default to UH and become a goddamn accountant. My car won't last that long anyway.

On semi-different note, I'm wrongly hoping that all the transfers (that I've heard about) this semester might help me. If their retention rate is slipping, they might be more encouraged to do something to keep the students who do want to be here. Additionally, Mr. Dean thinks that UH is a community college. This makes me think he wasn't entirely listening and comprehending my situation, but my inane babble might have had quite a bit to do with that. I think we all know how articulate I am when I'm that stressed out. I'm also slightly confused about his suggestion that I transfer to Rutgers? What? How is that less expensive if my aid is going to be the same everywhere? The idea is to slip UNDER the $25,000 mark, not meet it somewhere else. That's why it's hard to go someplace with substantial academics. Those schools are expensive, even if they're state schools. At least Calvin's at UH: Hello Sanity. I miss that guy. I should call him.

Well, I'm done with this for now. I just get to sit on my hands and focus on all the other work I have to do for this week while I wait for some numbers to come my way.

I'm dropping out at the end of Spring. Ursinus clearly doesn't want me enough to make an effort so unless there is some random adjustment to my financial aid award, I'm just going to spend a year at Pizza Hut paying off my current loan and living at home where I will then proceed to juggle full-time work and part-time school earning an accounting degree at UH.

Yea, it makes me think suicidally too, but this is my life. My dad has successful squashed any delusion I ever had about rising above the circumstances he imposed on us.

And seriously, no "I hope things work out for you," or "maybe things will get better," or "I'm sorrys," or "Maybe you could get scholarships" or any other nonsense because you a) just make me feel worse and b) can't possibly suggest anything I haven't thought of before.

I took a gamble with my life and I lost.

Coming to terms with the fact that your parents are people too and that they have lives and relationships that don't revolve around you can be difficult, as I'm finding out by observing my fellow students. Fortunately, I've already come to terms with it. Unfortunately for them, however, I have very little capacity for empathy to begin with and it's very much analogous to when I stepped on a needle walking into the basement in Ohio when I was 4: I remember that it hurt, a lot, and that I kicked and squirmed, refusing to allow anyone to pull it out, but I don't remember explicitly what it felt like. It's just a distant memory of something intellectually evocative of pain, but without physical manifestation.

I'm going to make a horrible doctor. I have no interpersonal skills whatsoever.

how excited I am that Barack Obama is considering running for president? The nail in the coffin of the Democratic Party would be a Clinton-Kerry primary: even I would lose enthusiasm in a race like that. But Obama? He has that JFK quality.

I just have one question. Where do I send money?

On another note, I have my midterm grades now. They were a kick in the ass. I need to work harder, but I am having difficulty renewing my efforts because I am chronically sleep deprived. Whatever, though: I'll be getting most of my Weds. homework done tonight because I am determined to chip away at Bio and I have a mandatory CIE lecture to go to. This will leave on a Chem lab I was supposed to do...three weeks ago?

I have to say, I'm a little excited about this lecture. It's about the role of Islamic Women in their society, or something to that effect. I'm curious to see if my perceptions on the matter, especially my newly enlightened impressions as a result of re-reading parts of the Qu'ran, will align with what she has to say. It's a good thing Dr. Dawley asked us to go, too, as I probably would have sat around watching Blade Runner instead.

I'm thinking about starting a separate more-bloggish type thing for my politics, religion and science rants. This would not be something I expect anyone to read, but more just a place for me to collect my thoughts without offending everyone, which apparently I do on a regular basis because I'm a semi-unpleasant person and I'll acknowledge that. We'll see.

I feel like I worked myself to oblivion senior year so that I can pay to do a mountain of tedious, unchallenging work.

We're having a test on evolution today. I know that I didn't do that well with it in Bio AP because I was so confident that I would get an A that I didn't study, or pay attention during the notes, or do anything that even remotely resembled work during that unit. At least this time around, I did the study guides, but I am not going to study. I finished River Out of Eden just last week, and the Selfish Gene (which is sitting on my bookshelf, frequently referenced) was used in one of the readings for class, so I feel like I have an edge in that way.

I should study, though, right? At least look over the experiments? I didn't memorize those. Do killifish eat small or large guppies? Pike-chichilids? Err...

I'll study at dinner.

My favorite blogger, who writes for this blog I have been following for the last three years, died in his sleep on Friday. RIP Sean at GiFS. I will miss your astute commentary and biting sense of humor.

That definitely put a damper on an otherwise great day. I went apple-picking with Karen, took a personal day at work, made apple crisp and did laundry, and then pre-studied for Bio. it wasn't until my break during the aforementioned study time that I stumbled upon the crappy news. I guess it doesn't help that I simultaneously realized how much this week is going to suck with midterms, the Bio test, the CIE paper, etc that is now going to involve Sean-less study breaks.